Bizzaro World – The Hamilton Blackberries

Heywood Jablomi TSN reporting.

Sept 3/09 – Today in Phoenix, Judge Redfield T. Baum handed down a ruling saying that Jim Balsillie was not an acceptable bidder for the Phoenix Coyotes franchise. However he also ruled that the NHL had violated anti-trust law, and was awarding an expansion team to the Blackberry Billionaire to begin play immediately for the upcoming 09/10 season in the city of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

The NHL immediately refused to hold an expansion draft and required the team to be filled up with UFA players. Wasting little time Mr. Balsillie called up his close and dear friend Hoop27 to put together an NHL roster for the upcoming season using the salary numbers from the UFA’s last contracts.

We had a chance to sit down with Hoop as he explained the roster he has put together for the Hamilton Blackberries. HJ – “Congratulations on your appointment as the GM of the Blackberries. What has been the most difficult challenge for you so far?” Hoop – “Well the biggest problem I had found was ensuring that we reached the salary floor of $40.8M while still trying to build a team that could compete this year, and have some players that will be with us a few years down the road as we try and build a minor league system as well.”

HJ – “Now when you say compete this year what are the team goals?” Hoop – “The team has a couple of goals in this inaugural season. First we want to field a competitive team for the great fans of Hamilton. Secondly we think there is an opportunity to make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference this year.” note: The Blackberries were placed in the North East division for this year with realignment being discussed for the future.

HJ – “Before we get into the actual players you have signed I am wondering if the playoffs are an attainable goal?” Hoop – “If we were placed in the Western Conference I would tend to agree with you that we would have very little opportunity to make the post season but in the East and the division we are in we feel that we can compete on a nightly basis.”

HJ – “Well I wish you luck and would like you to take us through the roster you have assembled, would you like to start with the goaltenders?” Hoop – “As we all know this is the most important position in all of pro sports. And I believe we have a tandem that can lead us to the post season, but also I would stack them up against most teams in the NHL. We first signed Manny Fernandez who in my mind is a legitimate #1 goaltender on most teams. His price tag was a little high but we felt we was worth the 2 year deal we gave him. I then went out and immediately signed Kevin Weekes to a 2 year deal as well. Not only does Kevin have a wealth of experience, he has proven to be a solid goaltender everywhere he has played. Not only that he is a great player in the community and we feel giving him a 2 year deal will allow him some security and a chance to set down roots in Hamilton.”

HJ – “Alright so your goaltending is set how about the men that will play in front of him? Defense is a tough position to fill at the best of times.” Hoop – “Absolutely! And in our situation I felt it best to go with an experienced core of guys that can take care of our own end as a first priority. So I have signed Bret Hedican, Greg Zanon, and Ken Klee to one year deals. Greg will have a player option for a 2nd year. We will have a little offense out of the back end as well signing Patrice Brisebois to a 2 year deal and for me the steal was Marc-Andre Bergeron who I have given a 3 year deal to. And these to should be able to anchor the back end with some offensive upside. I have also taken a couple chances signing Kyle McLaren to a 1 year deal if he passes his physical which it appears he should be able to. And I have signed Denis Gauthier to a 1 year deal with a team option for a 2nd year. We think Kyle should be able to regain his form of 2 years ago and could be a top defenseman for us and Denis will give us a player that other teams will have to account for.

HJ – “So what about up front? Who have you been able to sign so far? Lets start up the middle at Center.” Hoop – “Gladly Heywood! And I am pleased to let you be the first to hear that we have first signed Mats Sundin to a 1 year contract and he will serve as the Blackberries first captain! Mats had a desire to play in Ontario and he feels that our team gives him the best shot at making the playoffs. And he in turn gives us a legitimate #1 center and to be honest it is a great marketing investment for us. Also Dominic Moore, and Viktor Kozlov have agreed to 2 year contracts with us and should provide us with scoring depth down the middle, also with Moore we get a great work ethic and fine penalty killer. We have also signed a couple good character guys in Manny Malhotra and Blair Betts to 1 year deals with team options for a 2nd year, so I feel we should be solid down the middle.”

HJ – “It seems you have been able to find some depth at Center. How does it look on the wings? Lets start with the left side.” Hoop – “This was the toughest part in my opinion I had to take a couple of contracts on the wings that may not be ideal but I also had to reach the salary floor, but all in all I am pleased with what I have put together starting on the left side my first two signings were really no brainers with what was available on the market I have given a 2 year deal to P.J. Axelsson and a 1 year deal with a team option to Kyle Calder. P.J. Is just a brilliant passer and should have an opportunity to put up some career highs with the players we can surround him with. Kyle is as good of a two way guy as there is in the league. I also think that I have found a steal in signing Matt Pettinger to a 2 year contract. Matt is a great defensive forward and truly underrated in my eyes. I rounded out the left side with some size and character signing Andrew Peters and Brad May to 1 year contracts. Both guys were happy to be able to stay close to home and they should bring us some grit and leadership. Andrew is also one of the top heavyweights in the league and Brad will drop them as well as having great leadership.

HJ – “And what have you been able to find on the right side?” Hoop – “A lot of underrated skill in my opinion. We have signed four guys to 2 year deals and they are Petr Sykora, Richard Zednik, Miroslav Satan, and Maxim Afinogenov. Richard and Maxim can both play either wing and I suspect you will see that during the season. But with all four guys they can be legitimate 20 – 30 goal scorers given the ice time and power play time they will receive for us. Maxim is the biggest risk for us as he had a terrible year last year in Buffalo and he was the first to admit it to us. But I feel his upside is worth the risk of his contract and that also got us over the salary floor.

HJ – “I have to admit you have put together a roster that should be able to compete most nights. However I would suggest that the scoring is going to be a problem.” Hoop – “It may be but we also have some players that just have not received time on the number one lines in their past and power play time representative of their skill levels. But we also realize that we won’t win games 5-4 we will try and win games 3-2 and 2-1 and see if we can’t challenge for a playoff spot. I also have a phone call out to a guy in Sweden by the name of Forsberg, so with any luck we could add a little more before the season starts.

HJ – “And have you been able to find a coach as of yet?” At this point of the interview Hoop had just checked his blackberry which had been buzzing. Hoop – “Actually yes I am pleased to say we have just agreed in principle with Dave Tippett on a 5 year deal, and we will of course allow him to hire his own staff.” HJ – “Did you just receive that?” Hoop – “Yup, these blackberries are fantastic! And I am very pleased to hire Dave on as he was unjustly fired from Dallas. But as far as I’m concerned we just landed one of the top 10 coaches in the NHL!”

HJ – Thank You for giving us the time to go through your roster as I am sure you must be extremely busy right now. Before I go I have to ask what is your biggest long term goal for the Hamilton Blackberries? Hoop – “That’s very easy Heywood. Seeing Gary Bettman hand our captain the Stanley Cup here in Hamilton.”

This is a look at the 23 man roster the Hamilton Blackberries will be going with for opening night…

GP     W    L     GAA     PCT     SO     EN    GA    SHA    Starts

Manny Fernandez  Bruins G 4,750,000     28     16     8      2.59      .910       1          1       71       791       27

Kevin Weekes           Devils G     700,000     16       7      5      2.42      .920      0          1       32       399       13

GP    G     A     PTS    +/-   PPG   PPA  SHG  SHA  GWG  GTG  PIM  SH  PCT

Kyle McLaren          Sharks D  2,500,000     61      3     8        11         3        0         1          0         0           0           0        84     39   7.7

Bret Hedican              Ducks D      870,500     51      1     5         6        -7        0         2          0         0           0           0        36     40   2.5

Marc-Andre Bergeron Wild D 1,691,000    72    14  18       32         5        7       11          0         0           3           0        30   140 10.0

Greg Zanon          Predators D      750,000    82      4    7        11         8        0         0          0         1           1            0        38     54   7.4

Ken Klee                   Coyotes D       625,000    71      1   10       11         9        0         0          0         0          0            0        28     51   2.0

Denis Gauthier            Kings D   2,200,000    65     2     2         4      -11        0         0          0         0          0            0        90     36   5.6

Patrice Brisebois Canadiens D    750,000    62     5   13       18        -3        4         3          0         0          1             0        19     68   7.4

Mats Sundin           Canucks C    5,626,500     41     9   19      28        -5         5         9          0         0          2             0        28     84 10.7

Viktor Kozlov        Capitals C    2,500,000    67   13  28      41        -9         2       13          0         0          0             0        16    153  8.5

Dominic Moore       Sabres C        900,000     81   13  32      45        -2         4         5          1          0          1             0        92    165  7.9

Manny Malhotra Blue Jackets C 1,500,000 77 11   24      35         9         0         6          0          1          3             0        28    116  9.5

Blair Betts               Rangers C         615,000      81    6     4       10       -5         0         0          2          1          1             0        16       83  7.2

P.J. Axelsson         Bruins LW     1,850,000    75    6   24      30       -1          2         9          0          0         0             0       16       87  6.9

Kyle Calder               Kings LW     2,700,000   74    8   19      27        -1         2         2          0          0          1             0       41       93  8.6

Matt Pettinger Lightning LW      1,100,000   59    8     7       15      -14        2         0          0          0          1             0       24      82  9.8

Andrew Peters      Sabres LW          550,000   28    0     1         1         -2        0         0          0          0          0            0       81       10   –

Brad May      Maple Leafs LW          600,000   58    1     6         7         0         0         0          0          0          0            0       89      32  3.1

Petr Sykora        Penguins RW     2,500,000   76  25  21      46          3       13         6          0          0        10            0       36  180 13.9

Richard Zednik Panthers RW     1,750,000   70  17  16      33          2         3          1          0          1          4             0       46  153 11.1

Miroslav Satan Penguins RW     3,500,000    65  17  19      36          3         6          5         0          0          2             0       36  120 14.2

Maxim Afinogenov Sabres RW  3,500,000   48     6  14      20        -7         0         7         0          0          0             0       20    93  6.5

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